Many people unknowingly go down one wrong path after another because they change their external circumstance in an attempt to eliminate the difficulty and/or pain in their life. They leave their spouses, break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, change jobs, find another church, go to another state and sometimes leave the country....one problem remains..."they" is the common denominator in their life and "they" have not looked at themselves and "they" are still blaming another for what happened in their relationship. Each person must examine their contribution to a relationship; each person plays a role. If "they" leave a situation without a thorough examination of self and an understanding of their part in the relationship, they will repeat the same pattern of behavior with a different person, employer, church or location. I've given this syndrome a name-"different face...same place." Fact-when two people are in a relationship, two people are responsible for the relationship. Often, people blame others for their behavior or feel the relationship is irreconcilable and move forward to a new relationship. They carry their unresolved issue into the next relationship. The problem is no insight has been gained and the same patterns of behavior moves forward to repeat the same scenarios, thus we have a "different face but the same place." Initially, the new person or job looks great, "they" is ready for a new start, but quickly "they" returns to the former feelings of the previous relationship.
Here are some common examples. A passive person will often be in a relationship with a more demonstrative and maybe overbearing person. It would be easy to target the overbearing person as the "wrong" one. The overbearing person definitely would need to examine their heart and make changes but the passive person would have to take responsibility for their feelings and not put the onus of their confidence on the other person. God calls each one of us to be a separate unique individual that rely on Him for our value and to not put this on another. Another example, one person in the relationship tries to handle the entire relationship of both spouses. The one takes care of things until they reach their max threshold then can't take it anymore. They get a minimal response from the other but no real changes, then the pattern begins again. Again, many would say the load of the relationship is put on the one spouse, but that spouse has to be willing to set healthy boundaries with the other. Often, they say they do not want to fight but yet settle for apathy in the relationship. Bottom line...God is not okay with these relationships, and He desires for us to seek Him for resolution and restoration (Rom1:18).
We all make mistakes and miss signs in relationships that were red flags, but over all this should not be a way of life. God gives us clear direction in scripture to examine our hearts, follow the love of Jesus, set healthy boundaries, forgive, and not to look to another to complete us. We must speak God's truth to one another and be responsible for our actions. We can't change another person...only ourselves. And then we can only change with the love, direction, and revelation of the Holy Spirit (John16:13).
There are times when we need to leave a difficult situation (Titus3:10), but only after sincere godly interventions have been exhausted then...you still must have God to thoroughly examine your heart for insight and knowledge on your contribution (Pr4:23). I can tell you from personal experience, I have had some situations where I was clearly treated wrong, but...I still had to look at my role, have God to cleanse my heart from contaminated thoughts, renew my mind with God's word, and take full responsibility for my feelings (Rom8:5-8). We can't choose what happens to us many times, but we can choose how we respond and heal with the love of Jesus.
Dear friend, I pray you will not participate in one more "different face...same place" situation. Don't cheat yourself or another out of a relationship that can be restored-Seek God...get real with Him and He will get real with you. Psalm 139 can walk you through asking God to help you examine your heart. Seek professional help from a Christian counselor who will hold you accountable and stand on God's Word for direction and revelation. Live the abundant life God says that you can have (John10:10). 6/11/12CIFL-LMM
Here are some common examples. A passive person will often be in a relationship with a more demonstrative and maybe overbearing person. It would be easy to target the overbearing person as the "wrong" one. The overbearing person definitely would need to examine their heart and make changes but the passive person would have to take responsibility for their feelings and not put the onus of their confidence on the other person. God calls each one of us to be a separate unique individual that rely on Him for our value and to not put this on another. Another example, one person in the relationship tries to handle the entire relationship of both spouses. The one takes care of things until they reach their max threshold then can't take it anymore. They get a minimal response from the other but no real changes, then the pattern begins again. Again, many would say the load of the relationship is put on the one spouse, but that spouse has to be willing to set healthy boundaries with the other. Often, they say they do not want to fight but yet settle for apathy in the relationship. Bottom line...God is not okay with these relationships, and He desires for us to seek Him for resolution and restoration (Rom1:18).
We all make mistakes and miss signs in relationships that were red flags, but over all this should not be a way of life. God gives us clear direction in scripture to examine our hearts, follow the love of Jesus, set healthy boundaries, forgive, and not to look to another to complete us. We must speak God's truth to one another and be responsible for our actions. We can't change another person...only ourselves. And then we can only change with the love, direction, and revelation of the Holy Spirit (John16:13).
There are times when we need to leave a difficult situation (Titus3:10), but only after sincere godly interventions have been exhausted then...you still must have God to thoroughly examine your heart for insight and knowledge on your contribution (Pr4:23). I can tell you from personal experience, I have had some situations where I was clearly treated wrong, but...I still had to look at my role, have God to cleanse my heart from contaminated thoughts, renew my mind with God's word, and take full responsibility for my feelings (Rom8:5-8). We can't choose what happens to us many times, but we can choose how we respond and heal with the love of Jesus.
Dear friend, I pray you will not participate in one more "different face...same place" situation. Don't cheat yourself or another out of a relationship that can be restored-Seek God...get real with Him and He will get real with you. Psalm 139 can walk you through asking God to help you examine your heart. Seek professional help from a Christian counselor who will hold you accountable and stand on God's Word for direction and revelation. Live the abundant life God says that you can have (John10:10). 6/11/12CIFL-LMM
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1 comment:
Thank you, Laura, this is so good! It's like God is giving us one opportunity after another to choose right, to not make the same mistakes over and over, and to change our comfortable default reaction. Thank you for speaking truth, for pointing us to the Word and for reminding us of the abundant life Christ died to give us!
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